


cause the truth is, i'm about to lose it

by jenohyucks



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, M/M, Sad, because i love hurting my biases, im bad at writing lol, im sorry lel, it turns into lowkey, jaehyun centric, jaehyun is a coward, jaehyun is a sad bub, johnny is tired of their bullshit, not really - Freeform, seo youngho is the sun in jaeyong's darkness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-26
Updated: 2017-06-26
Packaged: 2018-11-19 09:05:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11310171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jenohyucks/pseuds/jenohyucks
Summary: these are the lies that keep jaehyun alive(or the one where jaeyong are headasses angsting after each other)





	cause the truth is, i'm about to lose it

**Author's Note:**

> title taken from 'these are the lies' by the cab.
> 
> issya girl elms back at it again with the angst  
> (i love jaeyong alot so icant stand seeing them sad so,, whoops spoilers)

if you ask jaehyun how he feels, he'd say he's fine.

he'd smile his killer, beautiful dimpled smile that has just about anyone's heart doing acrobatics, and nod his head, and you'd be convinced.

 

if you look into his eyes when he looks away from you, when his smile drops, you'd see a different story.

 

he knows, too. that's why he hides his eyes often. taeyong always told him that his eyes reveal everything he wants to hide, and jaehyun knows he was right then, like many other times his hyung was right.

 

 

he turns, the bed shifting softly, careful not to wake the sleeping girl next to him up. he doesn't want to explain why he's leaving, or where he's going. she seemed like the clingy type, anyway. quietly, as if he's done it a million times already, which isn't really far from the truth, jaehyun dresses himself, takes one more look at the dimly lit room - to check if he forgot anything, so he says - really, he's thinking about what made him be like this. jaehyun turns around and leaves. the emptiness in his chest hits him hard when he walks out on to the sharp, cold air.

 

he wanders aimlessly, for what seems like minutes - yet he finds himself far away from where he started - better yet, it's dawn. he shakes his head and heads back to his apartment. it's weird - he thinks - that this happens more often than not. is this really what he had become?

 

he's okay - or at least that's what he wants to think, what he wants to believe.

that morning, like many others, he ends up staring at taeyong's contact picture. it's been a while since he had heard from him. jaehyun puts down his phone, hoping to get at least an hour of sleep. he doesn't have the courage to press call, and he knows it well.

 

when jaehyun wakes up, he realizes that it's half past noon. six hours of sleep is good enough, he thinks. good enough to stay alive.

he feels positive today. replaying taeyong's soft ''good morning''s in his head even makes him smile.

maybe tomorrow he won't remember them anymore. he hopes that that's true.

 

 

that day, youngho calls him. jaehyun is grumpy when he answers the phone, and his hyung teases him about it.

''wild night?'', jaehyun can hear youngho's miserable attempts at hiding his laughter.

 

''i fucked someone, left, and walked the streets of seoul until 6am'', he answers - voice tired. the laughter lies down.

''jaehyun-ah-'', youngho starts.

''nah, i'm good. i'm actually pretty fucking great, today especially, hyung. it's weird'', jaehyun says, the content feeling in his chest rising back up.

youngho doesn't believe him.

 

''were you thinking about him, still?'', youngho asks. jaehyun immediately knows who's youngho talking about.

jaehyun is okay without him. so he tries to convince youngho-hyung (and maybe himself, too) that as well. 

''who?'', he asks, hoping youngho doesn't actually give him an answer.

''jaehyun-ah, don't pretend. it's not good for your soul'', youngho sounds serious, and jaehyun finds himself thinking that it's odd. really odd- mostly because youngho is that hyung that's always messing around, always smiling and teasing pretty much everyone.

''i'm not pretending, hyung, i really-'', he gets cut off mid-sentence.

''it's whatever, i'll believe you'', he says, pausing, and jaehyun knows there's something to be said after, something more.

 

''he asks about you- pretty often, might i add''.

_oh._

_oh god._

 

jaehyun stops breathing for a split second.

''i- okay. okay''.

''i don't want to lie, so i don't. i'd usually tell him you're- alive. nothing more, nothing less. because that's really the truth, isn't it, jaehyun-ah?'', youngho's voice is quiet, but firm, and when he continues, jaehyun almost chokes on air, ''he said he misses you. a lot''.

he isn't ready to hear that. he isn't ready to hear any of that, so he chooses not to listen.

jaehyun hangs up without a word.

 

 

on the other side, youngho shakes his head in disapproval when the beeps suddenly start, and he hangs up as well. they're so dumb - he thinks to himself. so fucking dumb.

 

 

that night, jaehyun doesn't go out. doesn't get drunk, doesn't fuck some random person.

even though his nightly routine gets skipped, one thing doesn't change.

he still stares at taeyong's picture. his eyes still tear up and he still feels the faint kiss on his forehead that taeyong always gifted him with, for goodnight.

he still puts down the phone, because, even still, he's a coward.

 

 

jaehyun dreams of taeyong.

he wakes up in tears.

he wishes that he didn't wake up at all.

 

 

days pass. youngho keeps calling jaehyun, they even go out a few times, and one day in a cafe, youngho finds himself staring at something, just behind jaehyun.

''so- jaehyun-ah, usually i'm that one person that's all for reunions, but since you're a truly miserable fuck and will handle this one very poorly, don't- just don't turn around, yeah?'', youngho smiles, really hoping jaehyun listens to him.

 

as expected, jaehyun - the little shit - doesn't listen to him.

and after weeks and weeks, jaehyun sees lee taeyong, and the first thought that crosses his mind would be - _fuck, he's so beautiful_.

his breathing gets caught up, and he suddenly feels suffocated.

''hyung- ''.

''you never listen to me'', youngho says, but the worry in his voice is evident. jaehyun is just so close from falling apart, and youngho knows it.

it doesn't help that in that one moment, taeyong looks over to them, to him, and their eyes meet in a cliche, angsty kind of way. taeyong looks right away, a tear struggling to escape his eyes. taeyong doesn't allow it.

 

jaehyun doesn't look away. he can't. he doesn't find the strenght to fight himself, to fight his own heart, like he's being doing for weeks.

''jaehyun-ah, let's go'', youngho says softly. jaehyun nods, and youngho has to drag him out, because jaehyun's heart had stopped and he became incapable of doing anything other than admiring lee taeyong, hurting because of lee taeyong, and loving lee taeyong.

 

 

that night, jaehyun finally presses the call button.

''hello?''.

jaehyun's breath catches in his throat.

''i- jaehyun?'', taeyong's voice is quiet, questioning.

jaehyun keeps quiet, and the desperate chuckle taeyong lets out almost has him choking.

''sleep well, jaehyunnie. goodnight'', jaehyun can hear a smile in his voice.

 

he doesn't have the strenght to stop the wrecked sob that comes out when taeyong hangs up.

 

 

from that night on, he keeps calling. it's become another part of jaehyun's routine. except - he doesn't talk. he just listens.

youngho thinks it's stupid, and just overall confusing. 

''so you've made up?''.

''not really''.

''but you talk to each other''.

''eh- kind of''.

''but you miss each other?''.

''yeah''.

''and you still have feelings for each other?''.

''well- i think so, yes''.

''...what the fuck''.

 

they've found a way to work - jaehyun calls, taeyong talks. when taeyong wishes him good night and hangs up, jaehyun whispers a ''goodnight, hyung'' into the empty air, and hopes that the wind brings it to taeyong's ears.

 

mother nature seems to be on their side, though, because taeyong just might hear the unspoken goodnight, somewhere deep in his heart.

 

one night though, the wind loses its job.

''goodnight, jaehyunnie''.

taeyong feels his heart jump when he hears a soft whisper.

''goodnight, taeyong-hyung''.

that night, they both fall asleep smiling.

 

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!!^^  
> kudos and comments are appreciated!


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